


And Full of Fun

by alkjira



Series: Keep Me Close To Your Heart [2]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Family, M/M, Multi, Sibling Incest, Threesome - M/M/M, Trans Character, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-01
Updated: 2015-03-01
Packaged: 2018-03-15 20:25:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3460886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alkjira/pseuds/alkjira
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kili frowned. “You don’t need a dick to be my boyfriend.”</p><p>Lindir blinked. “That’s not what I meant.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	And Full of Fun

**Author's Note:**

> Well, why not keep using lyrics from the same song as titles (The Boy Likes Them Both, by Eberg)
> 
> I wanted to write something with Kíli and I got this prompt: Cooking for family reunion, from the lovely diemarysues.
> 
> Then this happened.  
> My brain is an interesting place.

“Are you sure it’s all right for me to be here?”  
  
“Of course it is,” Kíli said, a little distractedly. “But please, and I love you, don’t be in the _kitchen_ right now.”  
  
Fíli snorted and wrapped his arm around Lindir’s waist. “Come on, we’ll go bug Mum or Dad instead and leave Master Chef here alone.”  
  
“But shouldn’t we help?”  
  
“No,” Kíli said and glanced at the timer for the boiling eggs. “Unless you hear the fire alarm and I’m unconscious on the floor. If that’s the case, please help.”  
  
“We’ll be somewhere practising mouth-to-mouth then,” Fíli said and steered Lindir out of the kitchen.  
  
“Hey, now I want a kiss!”  
  
“Too bad we’re not in allowed in the kitchen!”  
  
-  
  
Lindir had met parts of Fíli’ and Kíli’s family before. But being at a family reunion… that was a little scary, and even though Dís’ and Víli’s house was still empty of relatives Lindir walked a little closer to Fíli than he otherwise would have.  
  
“You don’t need to be here, you know that right?” Fíli said and took his hand. “Kíli and I can’t escape, but since you’re not married to us they can’t track you down. You’ve not had the Durin tracking-chip inserted yet.”  
  
Lindir snorted and Fíli clucked at him. “Mock me now, but you’ll see.”  
  
And that… was almost a proposal? Glancing down at the blond at his side Lindir decided not to mention it. It wasn’t like they could get married anyway. Not all three of them. And- yeah, best not get way ahead of himself.  
  
“I want to be here,” Lindir said instead. “I do, it’s just- a lot of people. And it’s your family.”  
  
“Víli! Get down from the tree!”  
  
“But I need to put up the sign!”  
  
“We own a ladder!”  
  
“So a lot of crazy people,” Fíli mused. “Yeah, I get you.”  
  
“Your family is lovely,” Lindir defended. “I adore your parents.”  
  
“Shhh, or they’ll adopt you. And I don’t need to be sleeping with two of my brothers. That’s just too weird.”  
  
Lindir snorted again. “Ah, so that’s your limit when it comes to weirdness?” He had been wondering.  
  
Fíli shrugged. “Nah, not really. I mean, you have met Kíli. He’s like a black hole of weird. Except I guess that’s not right because then no weirdness would ever come out of him and that’s, well, we know that’s not true. But what I mean is that if I’ve got a limit for weirdness I’ve not found it yet.”  
  
They walked out into the garden and found Víli sitting on a branch of the big oak tree standing next to the door, Dís standing on the ground below.  
  
“We could build a very nice tree house here,” Víli pointed out.

“I think it’s a self-defence mechanism,” Fíli whispered to Lindir. “If I didn’t like weirdness I’d need to move out of the country or something like that.”

“And you think today is the day to do it when we’re having forty people over for dinner?” Dís demanded, hands on her hips.  
  
“Point,” Víli admitted, then he brightened up again. “But the sign is nice, isn’t it?” He pointed at the large ‘WELCOME, FAMILY!’ sign that he’d somehow managed to secure even higher up in the tree.  
  
“It’s lovely, darling. Now come down before you fall down.”  
  
And that was almost what happened when Víli saw Fíli and Lindir and started to wave at them.  
  
“You make a really crappy sloth,” Dís informed her husband once he was hanging from the branch, holding on with his arms and legs. “And congratulations, you just scared a year off my life.”  
  
“I like sloths,” Víli said as he started to inch his way towards the trunk of the tree. “There’s something comforting about the thought that an animal so ill-suited for basically everything is still around. Gives me hope.”

“We’re banished from the kitchen,” Fíli told his mum. “Is there anything we can do to help out here?”  
  
“Well, before your father decided to become a sloth, a bad _, bad_ sloth,” she added with a glare upwards.  
  
“Does bad sloths get spankings from their wife?” Víli mused as he managed to find a branch a bit further down to put his feet on.  
  
“I did not hear that,” Fíli murmured.  
  
“I can give you a whole list of reasons why they don’t,” Dís said, and her hands twitched as if they wanted to reach out as Víli made his way down to the ground, only to almost fall again. “And you’re now officially banned from trees. Bye bye, tree house.”  
  
“What if I used a ladder?”  
  
“Will you be less dead if you fall off a ladder?”  
  
“Mum, is there something we can do to help?” Fíli squirmed. “In a place not here?”  
  
“Oh right,” Dís said and tucked a stand of dark hair behind her ear as she turned to look at them. “As I was saying, before a certain someone Who Shall Not Be Named-“  
  
“I’m Lord Walmart!” Víli said happily. “I’ve always wanted to be able to turn into a bat.”  
  
Everyone turned to look at him.  
  
“Bat?” Dís echoed.  
  
“ _Voldemort_ ,” Fíli murmured.  
  
“No bats?” Víli asked as he jumped the final bit down to the ground.  
  
Dís and Fíli both sighed and shook their heads.  
  
“Lindir,” Víli pleaded, big brown eyes so much like Kíli’s locking with Lindir's. “Tell me it isn’t so.”  
  
“Well… “ Lindir hesitated and chewed on his bottom lip. “J.K. Rowling didn’t say that Voldemort _wasn’t_ an animagus, so if he could turn into an animal it’s possible that his animagus form was a bat.”  
  
Víli blinked. “I didn’t understand that, I only saw the first film, but I’m going to interpret it as, yay, bat!”  
  
“Don’t say ‘yay’,” Fíli said and covered his eyes. “Somehow that’s more disturbing than you and Mum talking about sex. Please. We’re going to go inside and do something. Before you scare Lindir off.”

“Could you bring out the chairs from the living room?” Dís asked and Fíli glanced at her between his fingers.“  
  
“So you’re not denying it? The scaring Lindir off bit.”  
  
“Pfft,” Dís said and made a shooing gesture at her son. “He’s not dating me. If he breaks up with you don’t try and blame this on anyone else. Except maybe Kíli I guess.”  
  
“I’m not going to break up with anyone,” Lindir said, just to make it clear, and that statement was met by three equally sunny grins and Fíli’s arm sneaking around his waist again. Feeling a little shy Lindir ducked his head.  
  
“Love you,” Fíli whispered and stroked his hand over Lindir’s side. “Let’s go get the chairs.”

“Why do you want to be a bat?” Lindir heard Dís ask as they left.  
  
“They’re adorable!”  
  
Dís laughed brightly. “Very fitting then.”

-  
  
Kili frowned. “You don’t need a dick to be my boyfriend.”  
  
Lindir blinked. “That’s not what I meant.”  
  
“You said that we didn’t need to introduce you as our boyfriend if we didn’t want to. Of course you’re our boyfriend.”  
  
Lindir looked at Fíli. “Help.”  
  
The blond shrugged. “Sorry, I don’t get it either. You’re our boyfriend. Unless you changed your mind on the breaking up thing.”  
  
“You tried to break up with Lindir when I was cooking?” Kíli asked, smacking Fíli on the arm. “That’s gratitude for you.”  
  
“Of course I didn’t try and break up with him, you moron,” Fíli protested.  
  
“I just meant,” Lindir hurried to explain. “If it would be strange, that I’m _your_ boyfriend. As in, the boyfriend for both of you. At the same time.”  
  
“Um, Lindir…” Fíli gestured between himself and Kíli. “As this is like the fifth time you’ve met our parents I would have thought that you’d figured out that you’re not really what makes this relationship a bit strange.”

“Especially when we-“  
  
“ _You_ ,” Fíli said and shook his head.  
  
“When _I_ told you as much the second time we met,” Kíli added. “Our relatives know about us. All of them. And while I wouldn’t suggest that me and Fíli snog at the dinner table…” he trailed off and shrugged. “They’re basically fine with it. All of the people that matter are fine with it at least.”  
  
“And we can just avoid the ones that aren’t,” Fíli said. “If anyone says something mean to you feel free to say something mean back. Or tell Mum, she’s great at being polite and rude at the same time.”  
  
“Of course she is, she’s a lawyer,” Kíli said and reached up to play with a strand of Lindir’s hair. “Don’t worry we-“ He coughed. And coughed again. And then it seemed as if-  
  
“Can’t breathe,” Kíli croaked out and Lindir’s eyes grew big with fear. “Need- mouth-to-mouth.”  
  
“Oh, you little shit,” Fíli hissed as Kíli began to snicker, and Lindir shuffled towards the opposite side of the couch when Fíli threw himself at his brother and began to tickle him.  
  
“Heeelp,” Kíli snickered as he squirmed beneath Fíli. “I need help and-“ he hiccupped. “Kisses. Lots of kisses. I’m an alien who can only suriiiiive- if- if- stop tickling meeeeeee-“  
  
“We’re never kissing you again,” Fíli huffed and sat back down on the couch. “You scared us, you nitwit. “  
  
“’m sorry,” Kíli murmured and bumped his shoulder against Fíli’s. “I can kiss and make it better?”  
  
Kíli’s puppy-dog eyes were somewhat less effective when laughter still lurked in them, but Lindir could still feel himself swaying towards Kíli despite himself when they were aimed his way.  
  
“Moron,” Fíli muttered, but he still leaned over and gave Kíli a quick kiss.  
  
“Your moron,” Kíli agreed, stealing another kiss and stroking his fingers over Fíli's cheek. He looked towards Lindir and pursed his lips. “Please?”  
  
When Lindir nodded Kíli perked up, and - ignoring Fíli’s protests- he climbed over his brother to plonk himself down in Lindir’s lap, straddling his legs.  
  
“Not too heavy?”  
  
“No,” Lindir said, hands coming up to hold Kíli’s hips.  
  
“Great,” Kíli smiled and leaned down to press a line of tiny kisses down Lindir’s nose until he moved from the tip of it down to Lindir’s lips. That kiss wasn’t what you could call tiny, and when Kíli finally broke the kiss he glanced down.  
  
“So a thing about not having a dick is that you’re not going to have the problem I’m having now. I need to think about something gross.”

“Mum and Dad having sex while Dad pretends to be a sloth,” Fíli offered.  
  
Kíli squinted at him. “I worry about you sometime.”  
  
Lindir began to giggle and Kíli groaned and pressed their foreheads together. “If you’re going to vibrate it’s not going to help.”  
  
“Just get off,” Fíli said.  
  
“I can’t, that’s the problem.”  
  
“Funny.”  
  
“Of course I am.”  
  
Fíli scoffed but leaned in to press a kiss to the corner of Lindir’s mouth. “Hi, welcome to the insanity.”  
  
From outside they could hear Víli’s distressed shout. “My sign has fallen down!”  
  
“You’re not allowed in trees anymore!”  
  
“But I’m Lord Walmart!”  
  
“Thank you,” Lindir said, finding Fíli’s hand and tangled their fingers. “I quite like it here.”

**Author's Note:**

> My headcanon is that Fíli takes after Víli's looks except for how he has Dís' eyes, and he's more like her in personality too  
> And Kíli takes after Dís' side of the family, but shares puppy-dog eyes with his father, and is more like Víli in personality as well.
> 
> And another headcanon is that Víli is absolutely hopeless with popular culture.


End file.
